Even Now
by kobuntan
Summary: "No one compares to you, but there's no you, except in my dreams tonight."


He jerked up and opened his eyes. Black greeted his vision so thick and complete, he wasn't sure he'd opened his eyes. For a second he felt very sharp and awake, but the feeling left him. After the drowsiness left him, his feet touched the cold floor and he ran his right hand through his blond locks as he stood up. Erwin walked to the bathroom and leaned himself against the sink, looking at himself in the mirror. Be brave, he heard his lovers words, he saw her before him and the glow of hope that she inspired in him. She managed to call out to him, reach him and his heart which he thought was already too dark to feel again. The moment he saw his own eyes, his stomach turned. Turned his head away and closed his eyes for a blink of an eye. The only thing he sees in the mirror is a monster, not himself. He turned on the shower, took off his clothes. Then he stepped inside of the stall, letting the hot water pour down onto his skin to get the dirt off his body. The dirt he will never get rid of. He could still recall those memories. People were shouting and screaming. There was another scream, a scream that brought him on his knees. A horrific scream came from somewhere to his left, slicing through the night air like a lightning bolt. He was trapped among three titans, it was raining heavily, his clothes were soaking wet. Whatever he decided to do, he knew that he had to decide fast. He calculated all the possibilities, he knew that he wouldn't make it alive or without a lost limb if he would try to run away. He screamed with terror, told her to fight no matter what. He clenched his hand into a fist as if he were crushing something in it.

Several drops of water hit him and rolled down his cheeks. Satisfied, Erwin ran more hot water; the steam around him was slowly building and began to fog the mirror. He took the sponge from the corner of his shower and put some soap on it. He cleaned himself within few minutes. Erwin took a disposable razor from a ledge in the shower stall. He hummed as he shaved, and examined his face in the small hand-mirror. He always shaved himself and never used a barber. He had two reasons for that, first; he clearly did not trust them, and second; he had no time for such a thing. There wouldn't be a single person to have time if they would be in his shoes. As he stepped out of the shower, he grabbed a towel, wrapped it around his waist and turned to face the mirror. He swiped his hand across the mirror. It fogged back up quickly. An unpleasant sigh left his lips as he repeated his action. He ran his hands through his freshly washed hair. At least, he thought, he had been able to take time for a shower and a shave. He went into his room and opened his closet. He took out one white shirt, coal trousers and a pair of socks. His stomach churned and made a growling sound. He dried and dressed himself quickly so that he could fill his empty stomach with something.

Erwin walked into the kitchen, switched on the light and as soon as he did, his eyes saw a plate prepared for him lying on the table. His heart skipped a beat and a warm feeling spread through him as he savoured the familiar food. As Erwin picked up the dish, he saw something. A piece of paper. There was a hand written note lying on the table. He skimmed through the memo until his eyes caught the words 'I will get home around midnight'. He poured himself a cup of strong coffee; he took a sip of it and sat down at the table. After living in the place for a short time, the smell, which had been exciting and new at first, became standard and he thought that there is no better place for him than this house. Her scent was implanted in him, he could smell both hers and his scent in the house. He smiled into the cup as he was sipping his coffee when he recalled the first time they got into their new home. Her smile and arms wrapped around his neck, him holding her tightly in his embrace. The smell of the rich aroma of freshly made coffee was in the air. The weather outside was bleak, stormy and ominous. As he was drinking his coffee he read the telegraph. He squeezed the cup in his hand.

The rain was pouring down in torrents; it was hitting the roof and parapet hard. The sky was dark and gray, clouds were entirely stealing across the sky to hide the sun's bright disk. When he finished his coffee, he checked the time, sighing he stood up and put the empty cup into the sink. He had some business to attend to. He took his jacket from the wardrobe and put it on him. He walked into his small office, saw the table, stared at it a moment, and walked near it, brushing his fingers against the wood while walking. He sat down in his chair without a word and took the remaining papers from the other days that were waiting for him to finish them. He took out his pen, took one paper and started reading them. After he did so, the only thing that he had to do now was to sign it and put it on the finished papers. The time passed quickly and before he knew it, it already passed midnight. Time for him to go back home, he managed to finish almost all the paper work. Only one remaining paper was left on the table, which he did not want to see. The candle lantern on his table was slowly going out. Erwin drew a long deep breath, and then let it out slowly. He felt the tiredness overcoming him. Eventually the candle flame went out. The room became dark and somber. By the time he got home the rain had stopped. The gray clouds melted away, and the night sky was clear.

Erwin opened the door walked in closing it behind him and walked to the living room. Taking off his jacket and shoes, he walked near the dinner table and lit the candle on fire. Hanging his jacket over the sofa he sighed. Creating some light in the room and he continued walking forward. He placed the candle on the table, the room was illuminated by the light, and he took off his bowtie and placed it next to the candle where it always used to be. The house was empty, his lover was not home yet, he managed to come back faster. A ghost smile appeared on his face, but it faded away quickly. He walked up into their room and started unbuttoning his shirt. Taking it off he hung it over the chair and walked into the bathroom, he ran his hand through his silky hair. He placed his hands on the sink and lowered his head, after a moment he sighed and washed his face with cold water. A drop of water fell from a lock of his light hair on the floor. He dodged the reflection in the mirror, he did not want to see himself, he had to fight it that idea. Feeling too tired, he took off his pants, placed it on the shirt and went into bed silently, tucking himself under the covers. His eyes felt heavy, and his mind was feeling the desire to sink into unconsciousness. The lack of sleep took its toll. Erwin generally fell asleep within seconds of hitting the pillow. A loud bang woke him up. And another and another. It was raining heavily outside. Mad wind pounded the doors and windows. Another thunderbolt banged.

He looked over and saw her body lying there next to him. He collected her in his arms and mounted her in silence how he missed her. He pressed his lips to the top of her head in a reassuring kiss, breathing in her scent. She murmured something that he could not hear, but he could guess, and he smiled. The next morning he awoke as usual, he opened his eyes. He couldn't see his lover anymore, he couldn't feel her in his arms, no warmth only coldness. Then it hit him, he remembered the last paper on his desk. Her name was figuring on it, died in the last mission. Erwin screamed in pain and agony. His heart pounded and he began to sweat and shake. He felt pain in his chest and was lightheaded. The feeling was the only thing that truly filled every part of him from the centre of his heart, out through the surface of his skin. Pain. And even more pain. Their pain became a deep anguish in his own heart. He screamed for a long time, the pain moving through him in ever heightening waves of torment. He remembered the note, the dish left on the table from the other days. He left it there, unable to clean it, to let go off it. He did not want to accept the fact that he was left alone again. Tears streamed down his face. He ran down the stairs and caught the note. Another tear rolled down his cheek as he read the memo again, though he had practically memorized it. He dropped to his knees, held his chest very hard. Erwin's heart galloping in his chest as he tried to bury the memories of the last time he saw her, held her.


End file.
